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CHAPTER 6
For the first time I felt that I was now really on my own. I had always
believed that however bad things were it would only be a matter of time before
my suffering came to an end. It seemed inconceivable that doctors would
ultimately have to turn their backs on me and leave me to fend for myself. I
considered trying to find a better more experienced consultant. I felt sure
that there must be someone somewhere in the world that would know what to do.
It was just a matter of finding them.
In the meantime I decided to find out as much as I could about tinnitus. The
Internet was not widely available at that time. If it existed at all it was
certainly not in the public domain. I opted for the next best thing and made
my way to the medical section of Foyles bookshop in London.
Within thirty minutes I had discovered the terrible truth. There really is no
cure. It may seem strange to some people that it had taken me so long to
discover this, but thirty years ago it was not a subject that was ever
discussed. Noises in the head carried the same kind of stigma that was
associated with mental illness.
In more recent times there have been numerous radio and television programmes,
newspaper and magazine articles about it, but in spite of that, I still meet
many people who have not heard of it, or if they have, they are not sure what
it is let alone how bad it is. We now have National Tinnitus Awareness Week
but it is not highly publicised and in the main it is only tinnitus related
associations that are really aware of it.
My discovery had come as a terrible blow. There had never even been a hint
that I had something that could not be cured. Each step along the way had
given me the strength to continue but now I was now facing a life sentence and
condemned to suffer until the day I die. My research showed that many people
with tinnitus had been driven to the point where they had ended their own
lives, having decided that it was easier to die than to go on living. I was
not ready to give up just yet.
I spent several days in Foyles and was becoming a permanent fixture. The staff
was so kind that they soon added me to their tea and coffee rota. I think I
read every book and every article that had ever been written about the
subject. There was no good news for a sufferer but a whole mass of information
to depress them. There was a report about a man who had unsuccessfully
attempted to rid himself of the noise by having both of his eardrums removed.
There were plenty of other equally gory reports to deepen my state of
depression. Within a week I probably knew as much about tinnitus as anyone,
which in reality is very little. Many of the experts had different opinions
and more had been written about the possible cause than how to deal with it.
It is quite clear that medical science is still no closer to finding an actual
cure than it was two hundred years ago.
Masking devices and counselling were at that time and still are today the
favoured methods of dealing with tinnitus. Although I had walked out in a rage
when my consultant upset me and recommended them, I decided to be more
rational and research the subject on the grounds that both methods could
possibly be better than nothing. They appeared to have been quite successful
for some people. In any event I was doing something positive and it went some
way to lift me out of my depression.
I quickly ruled out counselling. The last thing I wanted to do was to sit in a
room somewhere discussing my tinnitus with a stranger. I could not see how
that would help me.
The only other alternative was a masking device or a hearing aid. At that time
and for many years to come they were of the analogue type and the quality was
very poor. They were very much at the bottom of the ‘better than nothing’
pile. They were bulky and very indiscreet. The quality was so poor that many
hard of hearing people resisted using them and those that did use them often
only did so when it became absolutely necessary. As they inserted the unit
into their ear, it invariably made a very loud and embarrassing whistling
noise which everyone present could hear. Sometimes it took several seconds to
fine tune the unit so that the whistling stopped but the user could hear. The
need for re-tuning became more frequent as the battery began to lose power.
They certainly did nothing to prove the theory that improved hearing would
help to mask the tinnitus. It was also rather odd how some people, when
talking to a person wearing a hearing aid, assumed that they had to shout at
them.
In spite of their shortcomings many people still used masking devices but they
could only be used for limited periods throughout the day. I felt that if I
accepted that alternative I would have given up. It would do little or nothing
to improve the quality of my life. Becoming reliant on something of such low
quality did not seem very satisfactory. I wanted to get rid of the noise
permanently and not go through every day living for the moment when I could
use my masking device again.
It was a long time later when something as simple as a ticking clock pointed
me in the right direction and put me on the road that would lead to my
recovery. I hope to have the pleasure of guiding you along that road and I
have every reason to believe that the result will be the same for you as it
was for me.
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